Internet, my new mentor

I needed to figure out a template for my current workplace. When I asked the person I reported to where this might be I was told to look it up on the intranet. In my last position I asked what would be the best courses to take for my professional development, it was suggested I surf the web.

I have stopped asking my “leaders”, “mentors”, and “bosses” for anything including direction. I have discovered the answer to everything at work can be found on the web so I am eliminating the middle manager and going right to the source. I know that much of the internet is garbage and the little that’s left, that is not porn, is hard to find. At that, it is still better than anything that I have heard out of a mangers mouth in about 10 years.

It’s also quite strange how everything I tell my manager is a bad idea from me, but 2 weeks later they repeat the same to their boss, selling it as their idea to save the day. My only hope is that that boss then turns to them and says that’s the dumbest thing I have ever heard and takes it up the chain where it comes into practice 3 months after I leave.

On occasion I have had the pleasure to be in the meeting when this comes up and instead of it being a stupid idea they ask for details on how to execute this ingenious plan. The problem is I am the only one in the room who read the details on the web the week before, and I don’t feel the urge to assist my “tor”mentor.

So for now I will continue to report to the internet…

Industrial Strength Idiots

I read in the news that the private citizens of Ontario need to cut the power consumption or there will be rolling blackouts.
So if I don’t shut down my computer or if I use my stove I can be blamed for causing a brownout.
When I drive by parliament at night, why are the lights on even though nobody’s home? How is it that the fountains run all day and night? Why does Government offices still have all of the lights in the ceilings and built into the prison walls they call cubes? Most of the offices running air conditioning are running a few degrees above freezing. Now as tax payers, I think we have a right to get electricity before the government does so if cuts are going to be made, they can start in the office.
How is it that “smart” business people can run air conditioners with the storefront doors open to the great outdoors, but I have to wait until midnight to run my washer? How is it that entrepreneurs can piss away energy while others are guilted into conserving?
I am sure that if in every government office the temperature is turned up 2 or 3 degrees and every 2nd light bulb is removed from the ceiling, that productivity wouldn’t change; power consumption would be reduced and hydro would not have to nag us about energy consumption during “peak periods”. Theoretically the Government can save us money.

Relating Einstein and Star Trek to work

I am well into my second career and am starting to see an ugly trend in managers. It seems that time is not what it used to be, for example meetings never start on time, lunch time is no longer anywhere near noon. Worst of all, starting at 7:00AM and working till 3:30PM with half an hour for lunch is some how less than 7.5 hours when you do the math is seems to equal 8.

But how can you complain when a manager starts at 9:30 and then departs for their first meeting at 9:45, even though it started at 9:30? The meetings continue right up until 6:00PM at which point they come looking for you to start working on all the stuff that they and the other members of the TKN (That Know Nothing) committee dreamt up throughout the day. Then the manager sends the e-mail you, even though you have already left, you know the one… I need this on my desk first thing in the morning. The fact that whatever “this” is will take at least 3 days is not relevant to them or you.

I have a couple of theories on this. (as I always do).
In my first theory of relevancy, E = MC² , E is energy sucked from my being by living through work where M is management providing twice as much C, Crap or Chaos, as a human should be able to withstand. Relevancy determines just how relevant you are to them, although it could also have to do with how many of their relatives work at the company; then it could be called the theory of relativity, but that one was taken.

My second Theory is the Star Ship Commander Theory. It’s great that managers have all of this free time to be at work (not actually working, just being there) because they are divorced / separated / never married or just don’t care about the other people in their personal lives, but do they have to take every person at work down with them? I blame Star Trek for this mind set. Everyone saw the adventures of Captain James T. and said “Hey look everyone on the starship is at his beck and call 24 hours a day, 7 days a week… that’s what I want when I grow up.” When all of the little children became adults, they never really grew up; they were greatly disappointed that there were no Starships. (Or Green skinned aliens to boink and then run off to the planet with the blue skinned aliens for seconds.) Today’s mangers, having been influenced by Star Trek, are still determined to have all “their” people at their beck and call 24 /7.

How do I know this to be true?
1.) If you start 5 minutes before your manager and finish 5 minutes after they leave they will never complain about you not being there.
2.) If you ask them about Star Trek they will get a very disappointed look in their eyes and not want to talk about it.

So when your shift is done, look them in the eye and say “The Enterprise is in dry dock, Commander. See you tomorrow.”